Okay so, after three showers last week and a weekend filled with sewing for Sarah Cullen, Cullen and I were eager to go Monday morning bright and early for our 30 week appointment. I had postponed my monthly visit so that I could do both things all in one day and not have to take off from school.
We took separate vehicles since Cullen was leaving to go to work and we chatted on the phone on the way over making breakfast plans and talking about our excitement over seeing our baby girl's sweet face. Of course each time a sonogram is mentioned I have to say...oh my gosh I hope she doesn't have a facial deformity or something wrong...I'm a very negative person and always expect the worst.
So...like always we sit and wait and wait and sit for what seems like forever. A couple comes in I know and we talk about their baby girl's name and just after getting into a good convo they call us back.
As we walk back we were super excited and just ready to see Baby Girl Pollard. We make small talk with the sonographer and she even asks what package we bought to make sure she gives us all the images and the right amount of time on the dvd. We get into position and as we talk of baby names she starts videoing.
I am a chatty person, so we are just making small talk as I wait to see the screen and Cullen later said he noticed she just stopped and put her hand over her mouth...I never noticed. I'm telling y'all I was in my own little world. She then asked when my last sonogram was and if she had done it, I answered 18 weeks and no, and still I think she is making small talk. She then says...did they tell you, y'all were having a girl. I said yeah, why? And then she said... sweet heart you aren't having a little girl, you are having a little boy...At that moment I burst into tears. No, it wasn't the end of the world, but you would have thought it was. I was doing my best to hold it together, but it wasn't happening. Cullen just looked shocked, we both were. The girl even cried a bit with me. Over the next 30 minutes I tried to wrap my head around it, asking her to check for my most feared facial deformities, cord around the neck, and things like that. While she tried to get sweet pictures of a face I had in no way imagined and even pictures in 3d to prove that in fact Sarah Cullen was not a girl. I'll say that all of it was a blur. As we left the room, I was thankful that was the only shocking news we were given and grateful we had to call family and tell them such a thing rather and something awful, but at that moment in that day...it was pretty awful news to me.
I'm not a terrible person that is anti-boy, but her nursery was complete, her bedding that took hours to make were everything I dreamed they would be, the closet of smocked dresses that would take her through the next 2 years were reading and waiting. The no less that 15 outfits I had made in the days prior were monogrammed and ready. And the baby girl I had talked to and laughed at and sang to for the last three months was not there.
The three showers the week before and the gifts that were stacked in my living room were racing through my mind, how to tell people, and what the reaction would be was also there.
As we met with the doctor he assured me that this was the first time this had happened in ten years, and I told him that didn't make me feel better, because it didn't. And the entire time I was so grateful for the positive side that yes, we will have a bouncing baby to love and hold and watch grow up with, but at that moment in that time, I was mad. Mad I paid for that, mad that silly girl 12 weeks before hadn't just said, I can't tell. Mad that in the midst of a week I had planned to finalize a nursery, I would be stuck making returns and exchanges. I was mad I was a planner.
As we left the doctor's office I first stopped at Heirlooms Forever to buy boy fabric. I have never been more in shock in that store than I felt that day. I called my dad on the way home, so that I could talk to one person I knew would be excited about the gender news no matter what, and I made him promise not to not say a word until I could tell my mom. I envisioned that she would cry with me. She didn't she said okay we have work to do...and as soon as she got off work we began taking stock of what needed to go back, change, or be replaced.
So here I am 5 days later, able to write it down, so I won't forget just how it happened. James Everett Pollard II will be here at an undisclosed time in January because he is HUGE and he measures two weeks ahead of schedule. He is named after Cullen's paternal grandfather, and we will call him Jett, which is my dad's nickname from high school. It was down to Rett or Jett but I have several friends that named their little boys Rhett and I like to be a little different, so Jett it will be.
Monday night, I made some exchanges in Tupelo and ordered the new nursery fabric so that I could begin to redo all the bumper pads and change the really girl stuff with baby boy things. Tuesday, I woke up at midnight and began sewing little boy bubbles and took down the wardrobe I had made for baby girl to begin redoing for baby boy. I made more exchanges and Wednesday was more of the same. We held Thanksgiving at my house yesterday we served lunch to about 30 and dinner to 10.
I haven't held it together the whole time, but I've done better than I could have. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want people to tell me it is going to be okay, and I don't want people to say to get over it. I know and will do all of those things, but in my own way in my own time, and in less than 10 weeks I will hold a baby boy that will be my world, but for now... Cullen and I are coping with our mind shift, and making plans for our baby boy.
