Thursday, February 5, 2015

Four Months Out

It's been four months since Daddy passed away.
People have stopped asking how I'm doing, stopped thinking about it.
To be honest, there are days in the last four and half months I haven't thought on it for more than a moment, but there have also been days when I have been stopped in my tracks by the realization that I will never hear his voice again.
The holiday season was a blur and I would say it wasn't unbearable.  It is easy to busy yourself with schedules and parties and to do lists.
Then the January blahs hit.  By the last week of January I found myself crying more in a week than I had in the prior month.
On my way to work twice with Jett in the car I just lost it.  One morning when everything was going right, class had been great the night before and I had those rare mom victory moments when you get out of the house having loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, fixed everyone lunch, and everyone was happy...when I looked down at my phone and thought I need to call someone.  Who would be up right now willing to have a conversation...then it hit me.  Daddy would have been my go to call, my person who would answer at 6 a.m. and would listen to my ramblings, he would tell me about the weather, the latest Ecru gossip, and ask me some question I answered a thousand times before.  In that instant I felt so sad, so mad, so upset.
And even as I type this as a way to kill some time before picking up dinner for a party tonight, I'm upset again...on a random afternoon.
Let me not glorify our relationship and have anyone think it was picturesque.  Our was not one depicted on the cover of the Saturday evening post.  But there were times when just having someone to tell about your day even the mundane parts was just nice.  Sure I tell Cullen and my mom about things, but with my dad I just could say something and not have to explain it, not have to give any extra information or background information.  He didn't have a clue what half the education jargon I talked about meant but he listened or changed the subject or redirected the convo.

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