In My Mind

I sit and type it is 4:30 in the morning.  I have been up for the past hour and a half and I have made coffee, put a load of clothes in the washer, hung up clothes in the nursery, ironed a few things, tidied up the kitchen and made a few lists.
I keep thinking that in a few hours after my doctor's visit a lot of things could change.  In my mind I have the next couple of days well planned out.  In my mind when I go to the doctor today it will be the last before I have a sweet baby boy to hold.  In my mind the doctor will put me in for induction tomorrow, but in my mind if he gives me the opportunity I think he will let me go ahead and go in tonight to get things started so that tomorrow my chances of laboring and delivering normally will be the greatest, but all those are just in my mind.
My mind is absolutely racing with things that need to be done,  I need to dust the down stairs and sweep the floors.  I need to get a centerpiece on the dining room table.  I need to transfer my shower lists into my baby book and I really could stand to write a few thank you notes.  I need to bake a chicken lasagna before the chicken goes bad and then of course I need to finish the last pillow for his room and maybe make a few pairs of pants for my friends little girl.  I need to make sure the guest room is ready for company and I really need to finish putting my shoes from the downstairs closet upstairs on the shelves.  I still have a few blogs I need to get written and of course I need to make sure I have plenty of memory space on my camera.
I need to be mentally prepared for the doctor to talk me out of induction and talk me into waiting.  I need to wrap one of Cullen's birthday gifts and now that I think about it I need to sweep off the front porch.
In my mind I have a list of rules or wishes I would like to keep about my labor and delivery and I am trying to find the most tactful way to address them to family and friends.  I wonder if I will regret not getting a manicure this weekend?
As I type and try to prioritize what I think is most important of my lists I go back through the lists I have prioritized and again and again the last few weeks.
I have fretted over who will be in the delivery room with me.  A large part of me says just Cullen.  Then I worry that he might faint and my mom would enjoy the opportunity.  And then I worry that she might try to comfort me too much and I might get annoyed.  I worry that she and I would make Cullen a nervous wreck and then I think back to okay, just Cullen and me.  Then I think, Leslie would be good to take pictures, and then I worry with a new born if she would be able to commit.  I have thought about my friend Joanne, but she opted to be head of communication so as not to risk a pass out in the delivery room.  Then Meagan wants a spot in the delivery room, but again, Cullen thinks she might make him nervous...and it is back to just us.
In my mind I have the introduction of the baby to people planned out perfectly.  Cullen and I will ooh and ahh and then one or two at a time we will let family come back for individual time.  I do NOT want to be bombarded and I want to enjoy each family group together separately.  And then I worry that this might make others mad, or it won't go according to my plan and my anxiety level rises.
I don't worry about the delivery.  I have yet to worry about an epidural or an i.v. and I'm not fearful of the expected pain.  In my mind it is a means to an end... and then another worry begins to creep up in my mind.  I worry that someone in this uber techno world will post pictures of him online before I do or before I get to look at them and approve, and the entire social media world will see and pass judgement on my freshly born babe.
In  my mind, I have planned this as much as I could.  I have my coordinating pajamas packed for me and for him.  I have really cute hospital gowns packed.  I have coordinated and monogrammed every possible accessory I could have.  I have tried to think of every detail that I might look back and wish I had attended to, and now in my mind I keep thinking I might have missed one, or my expectations might be a bit high.